I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
