We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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