I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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