Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
