Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
