Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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