I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
