this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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