T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
