you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
