I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
