Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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