I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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