woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
