New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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