where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
