I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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