I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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