i just wanna soil my oats bro
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
