If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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