my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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