Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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