I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
