haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
