i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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