thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
