I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
