Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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