im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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