those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
