Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
