The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
