so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
