I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
