my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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