Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
