are you still at the devil's house?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
