I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
