Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
