Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
