matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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