i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we should paint friendship bongs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
