I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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