It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
