I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
