It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
