i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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