What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My vagina is officially offended.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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