He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Randomize
