You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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