my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
