you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
